Hurt
by SarahsaDork
Summary: Songfic to Hurt by Johnny Cash. Riley can no longer take the pressure in his life, no one seems to care about him, what happens when Riley resorts to self mutilation? Will his friends be able to help him before he does something drastic?
1. Chapter 1

This is my first National Treasure story, so go easy on me. The song is _Hurt _by Johnny Cash

Disclaimer: I own neither the characters of National Treasure or the song Hurt, but I wish I owned Riley Poole.

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_I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel. I focus on the pain; the only think that's real._

The cool, steel blade slides across his arm, and as the blood flows from the cut, so does the pain and pressure eating at his heart. Things were not always like this for Riley Poole, he was once a happy, carefree computer geek, but nothing stays the same for long.

Riley could never picture himself stooping to this level, to hurt himself in order to keep himself sane, he always thought he had everything under control, that life was a breeze. After he helped find one of the biggest treasures the world has ever seen, he thought things would be perfect: he had plenty of money, two great friends, and all the fame and limelight anyone could hope for. It didn't take long for him to realize that fame and money could only get one so far in life. No one really cared about him as a person, everyone just wanted his money, or to get close to Ben, the real treasure hunter.

_The needle tears a hole, the old familiar sting_. _Try to kill it all away, but I remember everything._

Riley soon got tired of people asking him about Ben and Abigail, tired of going to boring history parties that he was always ignored at. Riley was just plain tired. He always thought that no matter what, Ben would always have time for him. He had Abby too, sure they fought all the time, but he loved her like a sister. But Ben and Abby soon ended up like everyone else in his life: they didn't talk to him as often, and it seemed that they never had time for him. It was understandable that they were busy, but it was like they were on completely different sides of the world.

He stopped going to clubs, didn't go to any more parties he was invited to. Now all Riley did was sleep and work on his computer. "No one really wants to see me anyway, what's the point of going out and being shoved in the corner?" he thought every time he got invited to parties and other fancy events.

_What have I become, my sweetest friend. Everyone I know goes away in the end._

It all started one day while he was in the shower. Riley sunk his teeth into his arm, pressing down harder and harder until a metallic taste filled his mouth. He let go, and looked down at what he had done. As the blood trickled down his arm, mixing with the steaming water, he no longer felt pressured. There was pain, but the pain no longer bothered him; it was a new pain, one that brought him release and a sense of calm.

Later he realized what he had done to himself, and thought it stupid, but as time progressed his body craved that feeling; that sudden release and freedom. He entered the small kitchen in his apartment, and pulled a knife out of one of the drawers. He stared at his reflection in the knife and saw how pale he was; he could see the desperate plea in his eyes. He gently pressed the knife against his wrist and added pressure until blood began to spill down his arm, as he slid the metal across his flesh, he was hit with an instant rush of calm.

NTNTNTNTNTNTNTNTNTNTNTNTNTNTNTNTNTNTNTNTNTNTNTNTNTNTNTNTNT

_And you could have it all, my empire of dirt. I will let you down, I will make you hurt._

Ben Gates was growing worried. He rarely saw his best friend, Riley, and when he did he looked thinner than usual, paler. Ben couldn't recall the last time he spent more than five minutes with Riley. The last time he did see him, Riley just didn't seem like himself; he was uncharacteristically quite, rarely making eye contact and he made no sarcastic remarks what so ever. Something was wrong, he just knew it, but he couldn't figure it out. They were all happy right?

He decided that something needed to be done; Ben needed to figure out what was wrong with this friend. He knew the best way to get Riley to talk was to bribe him with food, so he called Riley to ask him if he wanted to go out to his favorite Chinese restaurant. When he called Riley's cell phone there was no answer.

_I wear this crown of thorns, upon my liar's chair. Full of broken thoughts, I cannot repair._

The phone in Riley's apartment rang, he headed over to it figuring it was Ben, but when he answered, it was the last person he thought he would hear from.

"Hello?" He answered in an emotionless tone.

"Riley, it's your mother. I have something important to tell you." Riley knew as soon as he heard his mother's voice that something was wrong. Riley hadn't spoken to his family since he left for college. The Poole family was not the type of family who called each other every week, when people left home it was assumed that they were too good for the family. With Riley's new fortune, he would be shunned for the rest of his life.

"You remember your brother Dylan don't you Riley? I know you never bothered to call us, but you do remember you have a family right?" She cleared her throat, "well, let's not get into that. Riley… Dylan is dead." Riley completely froze, he had a terrible relationship with his family, but he was always able to get along with Dylan. The two brothers always made sure to contact each other once every month.

_Beneath the stains of time, the feelings disappear. You are someone else, I am still right here. _

"Hello? Riley? Oh come on…well, if you're there the funeral was Monday. We tried to call you, but I guess you were too busy and never answered the phone." Her voice was harsh, full of anger and disappointment. "Take care of yourself Riley. Good bye." And just like that she was gone.

He had missed the funeral. The only person in his family who actually cared about him was gone. The last person to bother to talk to him was dead, and he never got to say good-bye. He needed to feel better, Riley needed to release all of the emotion building up inside him or he was going to explode.

_What have I become, my sweetest friend. Everyone I know goes away in the end._

Ben called Riley's house phone, but was met once more with Riley's voicemail. Something was terribly wrong Ben could feel it. He grabbed his coat and rushed out to his car and drove off to Riley's apartment. "Please be OK kid," he pleaded. He drove as fast as he dared to Riley's place, hoping that he was just overreacting and that Riley was just asleep and didn't hear the phone ring.

Once Ben reached his destination, he saw that Riley's red sports car was still in its normal parking spot, so he quickly entered the building and ran up to Riley's apartment door. He knocked, but just like his calls, the knock went unanswered. This was not like Riley, even if he was asleep he always managed to get up and answer the door. He knocked on the door again, this time more desperate.

_And you could have it all, my empire of dirt. I will let you down, I will make you hurt._

Riley grabbed a razor blade from his nightstand drawer, and made his way to the bathroom. As he closed the bathroom door he could hear the phone ringing from the next room, thinking that whoever was on the other line only had more bad news, he ignored the consistent ringing and set the razor down on the sink. As Riley rolled up his sleeves and looked into the mirror at his hollowed face, he could hear the phone ringing again in the background, but once more ignored it.

He took a deep breath and slid the razor across his arm, but this time the satisfying release of pain didn't come. He watched the blood drip down his arm and made another cut, but once again no release came. He switched to his other arm and made a deeper, longer cut. This time his release came, but it was not strong enough. He proceeded to make more slices in his arms, and as the blood poured down his arms, off of his fingers, his hands went numb and he sat down on the floor, admiring his work.

Riley said a silent prayer and apologized to his brother, he was sorry for not talking to him more, for not making sure everything was all right. The blood continued to flow from his wounds, but Riley made no move to clean himself up. He felt better than he had in a long time, but everything seemed to be muffled. As he sat on his bathroom floor, apologizing to his brother, Riley could swear he heard something that sounded like banging and yelling coming from the other room.

If I could start again, a million miles away… 

Ben gave up on knocking and managed to break the door open. As he entered his friend's apartment, he noticed that there was an eerie silence. He called out Riley's name but there was no answer. Ben quickly checked the kitchen and Riley's bedroom, but he was not in either, then he saw that the bathroom door was closed.

Ben made his way over to the door and knocked, calling Riley's name. There was no answer. He pounded on the door; positive that Riley was in there, and when he was met once again with no answer, he forced that door open as well.

As the door opened, Ben was met with the shock of his life. There on the floor laid his best friend, Riley, eyes shut, mumbling, and blood running down his arms. He quickly came to his senses and ran to get a towel and bandages. Ben went back into the bathroom and kneeled down at his friend's side.

"Riley, can you hear me?" He desperately asked while wiping the blood from the other man's arms.

Riley looked up at Ben with clouded eyes, he seemed to not recognize Ben at first, but them the image of his friend registered in his brain.

"B-Ben, what are you d-d-doing here?" he managed to stutter out.

"Oh god Riley, what have you done? What were you thinking?" Ben yelled at Riley, but there was no anger in his voice, just concern. "How long have you been doing this? How could I have missed this?" He asked the last question more to himself than to Riley.

As he bandaged up the pale arms of his helpless friend, he moved to get the phone from the other room to call for help, or Abigail. But as he moved to leave, Riley called out to him.

_I would keep myself. I would find a way._

"Don't leave me Ben." He weakly called out to his friend.

"Riley, what were you thinking?"

"I was thinking that I needed a release, I couldn't take the pain anymore Ben."

"Why didn't you call me? I would have talked or listened. If you had just asked, this never would have gone so far."

"Ben, no. You had no time for me; I was just holding you back from everything. I know that I'm just a burden to you and Abigail, and I'm sorry." Tears began to pour down Riley's face as he confessed to Ben. "I couldn't take it anymore, living this way. No one really cares, everyone is so fake, all they care about is getting to you or to my money," he managed to choke out, "and…and Dylan is gone. He's dead and I missed his funeral, and I never got to say good-bye! I'm s-sorry," He cried out.

"Shh, Riley, everything will be OK, I'm here for you. You don't have to go through this alone." Ben softly said while gently hugging the other man, "We're going to get you help, and things will get better. Abigail and I will always be here for you, there are people who care about you."

It would be a long process, but Ben knew that they would get through this. In time, Riley would get better, and until then he would just try to be the best friend he could be.


	2. Chapter 2

I wasn't really expecting to write more chapters for this story, but I guess I can continue. I'm not very good at writing chapter stories, so I apologize in advance. There might be like, maybe two more chapters? I thought I would continue making it a songfic. The song is Hurt by Thousand Foot Krutch.

Disclaimer: I still do not own National Treasure, nor do I own the song Hurt.

Anyways, thanks for the great reviews!

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Ben's POV

_Drop the ball, watch it fall far below. Suck you in, hold your breath the undertow creeps in slow._

It had been two long weeks since I had found Riley bleeding on his bathroom floor. Two weeks that I've known that our lives were far from perfect. Two weeks that Riley has been in therapy, and two weeks that I have tried to be at his side.

I knew that getting Riley back to normal was going to be a difficult task, but I never thought it would be this hard on all of us. He keeps pushing all of us away, never lets anyone in. Abigail has been worried sick, trying hard not to act too much like a mother hen. Even dad has been here to help, but Riley will not speak to any of us. We've tried, but the conversations never make it past a few awkward sentences.

_Everyone owns a gun deep inside; it's just a matter of how much you let it slide._

It's so hard to see him like this, sitting in his room shaking, clutching at his sleeve. I've walked in on him several times cutting, sometimes its Abigail who finds him. I know it kills Abby when she finds him, when it first happened she screamed. Now she's silent, but you can see the pain etched on her face, on several occasions I've seen her run off to cry.

Every time I see Abigail cry, or dad's face full of sorrow I want to blame Riley. I want to yell and scream at him for doing this to all of his, for doing this to himself, but I know it's not his fault. I can tell he hates himself for what he does, and when we're in the same room he refuses to look at any of us. I catch myself mentally blaming him all the time, and whenever I find fresh scabs on his arm, I have to stop myself from being angry. I'd rather face the barrel of Ian's gun again than see Riley quickly pull the sleeve of his jacket down.

_Help me help you they won't be there. Help me help you they won't see._

Riley's therapist has told Abigail and I what we had to do to help. Everyday we have to check his arms and legs for new scars. We've had to go through the whole house and throw out all the razors, lock up the silver wear, and hide the scissors and anything else he could use to harm himself. Abigail mentioned that it was like trying to baby proof the house in a way, I wonder if taking care of Riley is harder than taking care of children and I have to shack my head to rid it of the thought. How bad have things gotten that I'm comparing Riley to a child?

His doctor also told us to try to get Riley to talk, but not push him. I could never be a shrink if it meant that I had to deal with people with these problems every day for the rest of my professional life. When ever we happen to be in the same room I try to speak to him, but it's near impossible to get him to look at you or say more than two word answers. Abigail looks on in such pain, desperately trying to get him to talk to her, she even tries to start arguments with him just to hear his voice. I never would have thought that I would miss the bickering between Abby and Riley. It used to drive me crazy, but it showed how much the two really cared about each other even though they couldn't go more than ten minutes without fighting.

I would give anything to just go back to normal, to go back to when we were all running around trying to find a treasure that most people thought didn't exist. As the days go by I'm beginning to realize that things will never be like they used to, now we will always have to closely watch Riley, to make sure that things will never get this bad again.

_And it hurts when you need me, and I can't break your fall. It hurts when you can't see and it hurts._

I so desperately want to help him. They all say I'm doing as much as I can right now, but it's just not enough. I wish I could just shake some sense into his head, to show him that he does not need to hurt himself in order to be happy. When I first found Riley bleeding on his floor, he had apologized and said that he needed help. And I believed him, I still do, or at least I want to. Deep inside I know he wants to stop, to get better, but he has shown no signs of stopping. Every other day there are more cuts, none of us can figure out where he's getting the tools he needs to do this to himself.

Seeing him like this is more than I can bear, I don't know how much longer I can go through this. I don't know how much longer any of us can go through his.

_Drop the switch, scratch the itch, watch it grow. Inch by inch, the cutting board, watch it swing to and fro._

Three weeks. Another week has passed, and it looks like Riley is deteriorating right in front of my eyes. I see him in the hall, or in the kitchen and he looks sicker, paler, and thinner. His clothes hangs more loosely on his body; there are dark rings around his eyes. His therapist says this is normal, that things will get worse before it gets better, but I don't know how much worse the kid can get.

He's still cutting. I find him on his computer at late hours of the night so I know he's not sleeping. Abigail says she hasn't seen him eat in days; the only thing left of the past Riley is his love for his computer.

_Everyone carries one deep inside; it's just a matter of how much you let it slide._

Abigail is setting out dinner, and I go to Riley's room to force him to eat with us. When I reach his bedroom door, I find that it is locked. I first knock on the door, but there is no reply. I knock harder, knowing that he is in there.

A soft, hurried "hang on" comes from inside. I know exactly what he's doing in there. As he opens the door I see him self-consciously pull at his sleeve. This is the last straw I can't take any more. Ben Gates has a very long fuse, but once he blows all hell breaks loose. I push him back into his room and he stumbles onto the bed. He looks at me confused, as I determinedly search his room. I finally find the cold piece of metal I knew was there. I roll up my sleeve and press the blade of the scissors to my arm. I look over at Riley who has a horrified look on his face, I add more pressure and slide the sharp edge across my arm as Riley shouts.

He runs over to me, taking the scissors out of my hand and throwing them across the room. He punches me as he yells at me.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Tears are welling up in his eyes, threatening to fall.

This is the first time in a while that he is looking at me, and I hold eye contact as I growl back, "Every time you hurt yourself, this is what you're doing to me. Doing to Abigail. When you think about doing this to yourself again, picture yourself doing it to us, because it's exactly how it feels."

He hugs me and I can tell he's hiding the tears and silent sobs in my shoulder. Abigail walks in first seeing Riley clinging to me then the blood slowly dripping down my arm and gasps. As I see the hurt in her eyes, I regret letting my anger get the best of me.

_Wash it off, take the loss, let it go. Take it in, drink it up, we can just take it slow._

Abigail leads Riley down to the kitchen as I go to the bathroom to clean myself up. I turn around and jump, seeing Abigail looking angrily at me from the doorway.

"What the hell did you think you were doing? Things are bad enough, Riley can barely stand he's so upset. You better explain everything to me right now!" She snarls out the last sentence.

I regret blowing up at Riley even more. Taking a deep breath I try to explain. As I go on with my story, tears of anger begin to fall down her face. I don't think I have ever hated myself more than I do at the moment. When I'm done talking Abigail gives me a hug and I can feel her trembling.

"If you ever try anything like that again Ben Gates, I'll kill you. I'm just as upset and frustrated as you are, but we'll get through this. Riley needs us to be his friends right now, and we can't get angry at him." She says this all in a horse voice, still holding onto me.

_Everyone carries one deep inside; it's just a matter of how much you let it slide._

When Riley goes to his next appointment with his therapist, I'm asked to join the session. I look hesitantly over at Riley, and enter the small room. Sitting down awkwardly next to Riley, I glance over to the doctor who is quietly closing the door. He sits down and introduces himself, but I already know who he is.

"Hello Mr. Gates, I'm Dr. Morris," Dr. Morris is an older man, probably in his late fifties, and the hair that remains on his head is turning gray. His light green eyes hold no emotion they seem lifeless. "I know we have spoken on several occasions, but I thought today that we would try something new and have you join us. I had asked Riley the last time he was here if he was alright with you coming here, and he was fine with the arrangement."

He looks over at me, and I feel as though he has entered my head and is nosing around. Is this how Riley feels every time he is here? It has only been five minutes, and I already feel uncomfortable, I don't think I could do this every day.

"Well," Dr. Morris continues, "In our past discussions, Riley has told me that he looks up to you very much. He has told me that you are the one who found out he was harming himself, and were the one to get him help."

Dr. Morris goes on for a while, informing me of what has gone on in the past, and how much Riley cares about Abigail and I. He asks questions, and I don't feel like I can look him in the eye even though I'm telling the truth. The entire time Riley looks down at the ground, every now and then shooting a glance my way. Morris does not go too deep into what has gone on in Riley's sessions, but I get the gist. He examines our friendship, and my well-being. He asks how I've felt these past weeks, and I don't think I could ever come into another session with a shrink.

_Help me help you they won't be there. Help me help you they won't see._

A week has passed since I attended the meeting between Riley and Dr. Morris, and things seem to be getting a bit better. Dad helped me remove the lock on Riley's door after I was scolded for not removing it previously. Riley watches as we get rid of the lock, looking ashamed. When we finish, dad gives Riley a soft smile and pat on the back as he moves to go down stairs.

"Thanks." I'm startled by Riley's voice; it had been a while since he started a conversation.

"What for?" I ask, honestly not knowing why.

"For everything. For putting up with me this long, I know that I have been a pain in the ass the whole time I've been here and that I've only been a burden to you and Abs." He breaks eye contact, glancing at the floor, but once again meets me eye. "When you came in last week to my meeting with Morris, I realized that you really do care about me. I know that it was uncomfortable for you, but I really appreciate you being there."

I give him a warm, genuine smile as I go to hug him. "We're always here for you kid, and you're not a burden. I won't lie, you are a handful, but not a pain in the ass." He gives a short laugh as he hugs be back.

_It hurts when you need me and I can't break your fall. It hurts when you can't see and it hurts._

Riley has been eating, which all of us are relieved to find out. Abigail laughed for the first time in a while when Riley came in and started to nag at her, saying she never made anything good for dinner. The old Riley is very slowly coming back, but he is coming back. The dark rings around his eyes have lessened, and the latest I see him awake is around 1 in the morning, which is not that unusual for Riley.

We still find fresh cuts on him when we do our daily check, but they don't seem to be as deep or as often as they used to be. It really hurts to see that Riley is still in pain, but it feels better knowing that things are getting somewhat better for him, for everyone.

_And it hurts when you're lonely and I'm standing right beside you there. And it hurts when you told me that you told me that you tried this on your own._

Another week had passed, and we thought things were going to be all right. Riley had started to talk to us more, said that he had not cut in a while. We were glad to see that he was happier, to hear his voice and see him smile.

He started to believe him when he told us that he hadn't cut recently, and he was true to his word. When we were doing out check the one night, we found no new cuts. What we did find was more than we were ready for. On Riley's stomach were burn marks from clothing irons and a car cigarette lighter. Right then Abigail collapsed onto a chair and I just stood there, eyes glued to the burns.

How could this have happened? This was not supposed to happen, things were starting to get better. I started to shake; whether it was out of anger or shock I couldn't tell. Riley began to sob and apologize, and honestly I don't think I could have accepted any of his apologies. When Abby or I discovered new marks, Riley was always quick to say he was sorry, that it would not happen again. Every time we nodded and believed him, hoping that he was telling the truth. The cutting had been horrible enough, but to see that he found a new method to bring harm upon himself was too much to bear; quickly I left the room.

_Hope you never hurt, hope you never cry, hope you never lose you way tonight. Hope you never crumble, hope you never fall, hope you never throw away the_

It was soon after that that Riley made the decision to admit himself into the hospital; we all knew he needed more help than what we could offer. As Riley told us about his decision, I could not help but feel as though I had failed. I was not strong enough to keep him from mutilating himself, to be a good enough friend to get him through all the pain in his life. Knowing that he had started to harm himself in the first place because I was not a good enough friend made me feel terrible, but knowing that I could no longer offer enough help made me sick.

I drove him to the hospital and helped him check into the special clinic they had. Abigail, dad and I all hugged him and wished him luck. As he walked down the hall away from us with the nurse I felt almost abandoned; I should be the one helping him, he shouldn't need anyone else. Riley should have been admitted in the first place, but I had thought that my friendship alone would be enough to help him; right there I realized that my selfishness could have cost my best friend his life.

_Drop the ball, watch it fall far below. Suck you, in hold your breath, watch it swing._

Two months, it had been two months since Riley admitted himself into the hospital. Two long months without Riley in the house, and the house had never felt to empty. Abigail and I made sure to visit him at least once a week, and every time we saw him he seemed to be better, happier. When we saw him he would never shut up, he'd go on and on about the different people here and how it's just not the same without Abby and I there. We tell him how much we miss him and hope that he gets better soon so he can come home.

Riley smiles when we mention home, he knows that we don't mean home to his apartment, but home with us. When we bought the house, Abigail made it a point to say that Riley would not live with us, now she had completely changed her mind.

Seeing how much better Riley was doing now that he was in a place that could really help him made me regret not having him admitted sooner. He went through so much more pain than he had to, he could have been helped sooner, but I was too thick headed to see I was not helping. Riley needed his friends, but he also needed help and friends could only help so much.

_It hurts when you need me, and I can't break your fall. It hurts when you can't see and it hurts._

The nurses and doctors said that Riley was greatly improving, that he was taking part in group therapy and advancing in the program faster than some patients who have been there for almost a year. Abigail asks when Riley can leave, but the doctors still do not have a definite answer. They say that if Riley continues to progress at the pace he is now, he may be able to go home in a month or two, but under careful watch.

Riley is anxious to go home, he talks about how obnoxious some people are in the clinic and I wonder how bad they are if Riley is the one complaining about obnoxious people. The nurses don't seem to mind him, they say that he can be a handful but he is actually one of the favorite patients there. I smile, knowing that Riley is not yet ready to come home, but he will be as soon as the nursing staff starts to complain about how whiny he is.

_And it hurts, and it hurts, and it hurts, and it hurts, and it hurts, and it hurts._

True to my word, the nurses started to complain about Riley just when the head doctor informed Abigail and I that Riley could be discharged in a week. We were told that they wished to observe Riley this last week before they released him and that when he was to be released we would have to carefully watch him. Riley would have to continue to see his former therapist, Dr. Morris, at least once a week, but he would no longer have to stay in the clinic.

In preparation for Riley's return, Abigail and I completely "baby- proofed" the house. Abigail made sure to bake him a cake and I picked up Chinese food before I picked him up and had him discharged. The nurses were not too sad to see him go, and most patients didn't seem to be too upset either. Riley and I drove back home, and he was shocked to find Abigail actually baked him a cake.

"This is totally like in Super Mario where Mario helps free Princess Peach from Bowser and in thanks she bakes him a cake. After all that hard work, all those close calls with death, all he gets is a cake!" Abby and I laugh; glad that Riley was home. Things would never be back to normal, but things were much better than how they started. We head into the kitchen and Abigail and Riley begin to argue. Yep, things were definitely starting to go back to normal.

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Yeah, OK, so I don't really like the ending of this chapter. . I think there may be one more chapter, like Riley's point of view. Should I continue? Let me know.


	3. Chapter 3

OK, so after being stuck half way through this chapter, I finally got it done. The song is Animal I Have Become by Three Days Grace. Thanks for reading I appreciate the reviews.

Disclaimer: I totally own National Treasure! Wakes from Dream:: Darn! I also do not own the song.

Riley's POV

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_I can't escape this hell. So many times I've tried, but I'm still caged inside._

I could have died, right there on my bathroom floor, bled to death because I'm an idiot. I didn't though, because Ben the Great arrived just in time to save me. I've felt many things around Ben, but before that happened I was never truly embarrassed to see him. He saw me at the weakest point in my life. If I were him I would have been angry, but Ben never gets angry. After seeing how pathetic I really am he didn't leave me, he actually wanted to help. Someone does care about me; great now I feel even more like an ass.

Ben openly invited me into his home, wishing to help me. At the time I wanted to be helped, but once I moved in I wasn't so sure. Cutting is the only thing that allowed me to feel human, to feel real. When the razor slid across my skin it was like heaven, right there I was in control and no one could take that control away from me. Well no one could, until I got caught.

_Somebody get me through this nightmare, I can't control myself._

I've been living with Abigail and Ben for what seems like forever. I stay locked up in my room though, its my own little safe haven. In my room I can do what I want to, and I don't have their sympathetic looks shot at me every ten seconds. I know I have some problems, but they look at me as if I'm going to kill myself right there if they stop looking at me for even a minute. Sure they have my best intentions at heart, but I can handle this myself, I don't need their help.

Soon after Ben discovered my secret and he decided to adopt me, I was sent to a shrink. Now I have to spend all my money paying for some guy to stare at me and ask "how do you feel about that" for an hour. I don't have to talk to him; I don't want to talk to him. I don't have to talk to anyone. Dr. Morris, the weird old quack just sits there asking me prying questions, I don't think the guy ever blinks. He's worse than Ian, and the guy pointed a gun at me about ten times. Dr. Morris is supposed to be helping me, but all he has done is turn my best friends into baby sitters.

_So what if you can see the darkest side of me? No one will ever change this animal that I have become._

Days pass and people are still trying to help me, even Ben's dad has tried. My shrink told Ben that every night he had to check me for new scars and fresh scabs. If I thought I felt like a kid before, its nothing compared to now. The looks they give me when they find my recent works of art is almost unbearable. Sometimes Abigail can't stand to look at me and quickly leaves the room, Ben never does though; he just stands there looking at me with hurt eyes. Their looks cut through me, but not through my flesh like I desire, but through my soul. If it means they'll stop looking at me with their sad, disappointed eyes I might try to stop.

After another week passes I begin to talk to the Morris guy, I guess he's not so bad. I still think it's kind of creepy telling this stranger all of my secrets and all about my past, but I might as well put my money to good use. The guy makes some valid points, and although I do not really want to, I try to convince myself to stop relying on sharp objects to relieve my pain. How hard can it be to stop? It's my body and if I started to do something to it I should easily be able to stop.

Turns out it is really not that simple.

_Help me believe its not the real me. Somebody help me tame this animal._

I tried to stop, honestly I did, but it didn't really work out so well. Every time I wake from a dream about my family, or of when Ben found me, my first reaction is to grab the nearest sharp object and smoothly glide it across my skin. When I do it now I don't even stop to think, it's just an impulse. On some occasions I can catch myself before I pick up whatever tool I happen upon first. Cutting is no longer a desire, it has become an addiction. I feel like a druggie waiting for his next hit, sometimes I go days without doing anything. Those days catch up to me though, and my body shakes, my hand flying to the nearest cut, pressing down on it trying to achieve sweet release.

Sometimes when I cannot catch myself, other people do. Several times Ben and Abby have caught me in the act. Oh god, when Abigail first stumbled upon me she screamed loud enough to wake half the country. Now when she finds me she quickly runs off and sends Ben in, of anyone I think I cause her the most pain. I do not even understand how Abby can stand to have me in her house if I hurt her so much, but she's stronger than that, stronger than me. I really do hate myself.

_I can't escape myself; so many times I've lied._

I'm sick of this, sick of what I have become. I don't think I even deserve to live if I just hurt everyone around me, but I'm not about to off myself. Living has become a struggle, I can't even remember the last time I ate which is totally not like the old me, every now and then I have to force myself to eat something, but food just looks so unappetizing. I rarely leave my room now, and even with all the time sitting on my bed I cannot sleep, I can't take the nightmares any more.

Abigail and Ben are getting more concerned; its impossible to be by myself when I leave my room. I keep lying to them and to myself, and I hate it. When they ask me if I have eaten anything lately I tell them I'm on my way down to the kitchen, I don't even understand why I lie about stuff like that. When they find new cuts I tell them I'm sorry, and that I won't do it again, I tell myself that too but I know it's a lie. My whole life has become a lie and because of it I'm falling apart, I don't know how much longer I can go on living like this.

_But there's still rage inside._

That's it; I'm stopping right now. I never want to look at another knife in my life, ever since my last run in with Ben. I can't believe what he did, it just caused me to hate myself more, I felt like he was mocking me but I know I'm wrong. I want to help myself, but I hate me too much to do anything.

It happened a couple of days ago: I had gone too long without doing anything, all the pain and self loathing was building up and it had to be released. The lock on my door was still there so I was careful to make sure no one could stumble upon me. I rolled up my sleeve and pulled out the scissors that I had successfully hidden in my room from Abby and Ben. Pressing the cool metal down on my arm I gracefully slide it across my flesh, sighing in the relief it brings. I happily watched the blood poor down my arm and moved to make another incision, but I stopped when Ben started to bang on the door. Shit! I was not about to get caught. Again.

Quickly, I cleaned myself up and hid the scissors; pulling down my sleeve I answered the door. Ben gave me a suspicious look; he knew exactly what I had been doing. Before I could think of what to say Ben pushed me back onto my bed, saying I was scared is an understatement, not once has Ben ever laid a finger on me. He frantically searched my room, and I was terrified about what he was going to do next. He soon found what he was desperately searching for. My eyes grew wide as Ben rolled up his sleeve and pressed the blade of the scissor against his skin. He wouldn't! I knew he was mad, but he would never do that just to prove a point. He did it.

As I watched the crimson liquid slide down his arm I couldn't take it, I leapt at him with a cry. I quickly grab the scissors from him and throw them as hard as I can across the room. How could he do that? Did he think it was funny to make fun of me, because neither of us were laughing. All the hurt and rage towards Ben came out through tears, and as they began to drip down my face I desperately clung to him.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" I screamed at him as I punched him hard in the chest. How could he do that to me? How could he do that to himself? And then it began to click in my stupid head; this is what I have been doing. I didn't think it was possible, but I hated myself more than before, I hated myself more than anything.

"Every time you hurt yourself, this is what you're doing to me. Doing to Abigail. When you think about doing this to yourself again, picture yourself doing it to us, because it's exactly how it feels." Was his growled reply. I just stood there, hugging him, begging him to not hate me as much as I did. Abigail walked in a minute later and gasped at the sight of us.

Ben quickly left the room and Abby came over to me. By that time I had fallen to my knees, I didn't even know it until she came over to help me to my feet. She hugged me, telling me it would be OK, that none of this was my fault. That was a huge lie, how could she say that with a straight face? Abigail helped me down to the kitchen, if she had not been there, I don't think I would have made it that far. She sat me down in front of a plate of spaghetti. The last thing I wanted to do was eat, but I knew I had to. There were a lot of things I did not want to do that I had to, and I would do them if it meant Ben would never do that again.

_Somebody get me through this nightmare, I can't control myself._

After that whole incident, at my next appointment with Dr. Morris, Ben was invited to join us. Dr. Morris and I had been talking for a while, and he asked how I would feel if Ben were to join us, eventually I caved in and said it was fine. Ben agreed to come in after a minute of thought, and I was happy and scared all at once. Walking into his office, I glance over at Ben, he looks like he wants to leave, but is determined to stay.

We all take a seat and Ben looks nervous, almost like a caged animal. Morris and Ben begin to talk and I watch on in silence, staring at the floor the whole time, with slight glances in Ben's direction. I begin to relax after a while and so does Ben. When the session ends I breathe a sigh of relief, having Ben there was not so bad, but not something I would like to do every day.

_So what if you can see the darkest side of me? No one will ever change this animal I have become_

After Ben joined the session between Dr. Morris and I, he removed the lock on my door with the help of his dad. I knew that it should have been removed a long time ago, but I enjoyed the privacy. As I watch them remove the lock I have a staring contest with the floor, I know they just want to help but I feel like a little kid; I'm ashamed to look anyone in the eye.

They finish up and Ben's dad pats me on the shoulder saying his usual "it'll be OK kiddo" and proceeds to walk down the hall to the kitchen. Left alone with Ben, I know I have to say something I have needed to say for a long time now.

"Thanks," I say in a hoarse voice as I look up at him.

He gives me an odd look, asking "What for?"

I hate him for making me say it, "For everything. For putting up with me this long, I know that I have been a pain in the ass the whole time I've been here and that I've only been a burden to you and Abs." I glance at the floor in utter embarrassment, but quickly lock eye contact with him again; I need him to know that I mean this. "When you came in last week to my meeting with Morris, I realized that you really do care about me. I know that it was uncomfortable for you, but I really appreciate you being there."

Ben gives me a warm, genuine smile and steps forward to hug me. "We're always here for you kid, and you're not a burden. I won't lie, you are a handful, but not a pain in the ass." I let out a snort of laughter as I hug him back.

_Help me believe its not the real me. Somebody help me tame this animal I have become._

I've been taking more care of myself now, making sure to eat more than once a day. I'll never forget the way Abby's face lit up when I whined about there being no food in the house. I wasn't lying when I told her she never made anything good for dinner, I mean come on, how much pasta could one person eat? She argues back but I can see the joy and relief on her face.

Sleep has not been so bad lately either, the nightmares do not come as often any more. I've been clean for a while too, only cutting once or twice a week. In all things have been getting a lot better.

_Help me believe it's not the real me. Somebody help me tame this animal._

Correction: things had been getting a lot better. I thought I was actually starting to recover, even talking to Ben and Abigail wasn't so bad any more. I got another call from my mother; she had no reason to call me, no real one at least. She had called to remind me how terrible of a person I am, and how much of a disgrace I was to the family. Her call had brought back memories of the family I had buried down deep, and it reminded me of Dylan's death.

I knew no one was home at the time so I was able to search the house for any type of sharp metal I could use to relieve the pain that was building up inside of me. I found nothing; turns out Ben had found the rest of sharp objects in my room and removed them all. If I couldn't cut I had to find another method. As I tried to think of a new plan, I spotted it. Sitting there innocently on the kitchen counter was my new best friend: the clothing iron.

I know that I shouldn't have done it, but I couldn't help myself. I started to use to use the clothing iron whenever no one was around, I also discovered the amazing little thing installed in every car called a cigarette lighter. The burns didn't bring the same exact rush as cutting did, but sometimes it was easier to hide the burns, not having to worry about any kind of veins.

Unfortunately, like all good things, they never last, and Ben and Abigail discovered what I had been doing. That moment will always be stuck in my mind, I will never forget hoe Abby collapsed into a near by chair and let out a heart wrenching sob and how Ben stood there frozen, eyes glued to the burns on my stomach. I had always apologized, but never as much as I had right there. I had become an animal, I could no longer control myself, and as a result I hurt my friends even more.

_Somebody help me through this nightmare, I can't control myself._

Shortly after that I realized that I couldn't help myself and neither could Abby or Ben. This had to stop it really had to. So many times I wish that I had never made the first mark on my skin, that I had just found time to complain to my friends. I knew that something really had to be done, and in the end I decided to do something that should have been done a long, long time ago. I worked up the courage, swallowed my pride and called the nearest clinic that could help me with my problem.

I think the hardest part was telling Ben, the look on his face when I told him my decision. He knew that I was right, but he had this look of shame on his face, a look of failure. I don't blame Ben or Abby for anything, they tried as hard as they could to help, but I was just too stubborn to change. Ben has been the greatest friend ever, and I feel terrible letting him down and having him think he let me down.

Ben offered to drive me to the clinic, and I'm glad he did, I never could do it alone. Once I check myself in, Abby, Ben and Ben's dad hug me good-bye. I don't want to leave them and the comfort of their embraces, but I know I have to. As I walk away from them with a nurse, it feels as if I'm leaving my whole life behind, like the world outside of this building is just melting away and I'll never get to see my friends again. I let out a sigh, I know this is going to be a long recovery, and I just hope to get it over with.

_Somebody wake me from this nightmare, I can't escape this hell._

I've been in the hospital for two months and I'm dying to go home, sure the people are nice, but they're driving me insane! No one here seems to want to get better but me, and all the depression and zombie skeleton people are starting to creep me out. If I ever look like that I want somebody to force-feed me the world's supply of pudding. The staff isn't that bad, but some of the looks they give me make me run as fast as I can out of the room.

Ben and Abby always visit at least once a week, so I have some kind of normal human contact. I'm able to get out all my sarcasm on the other patients so that I can actually have a real conversation with Abs and Ben, if they didn't visit me I might just try to jump out a window. Whenever they come they tell me how much they miss me and can't wait for me to come home.

Home. I've never felt that I had a real home until now, and I look forward to having an actual family, even if we're not blood related. After the first couple of visits, Abigail told me that when I got better and was ready to leave that I could come live with them, I looked over at Ben just incase it was some cruel joke and he hasda huge grin on his face. When I was sure they really meant it I actually jumped out of my chair and tackled her to the ground I was so happy!

Seeing that they miss me just as much as I miss them makes me want to get better even more, I miss spending time with them, arguing with Abigail and going out for Chinese with Ben. I ask the nursing staff almost everyday when I can go home, I think its starting to annoy them.

_So what if you can see the darkest side of me? No one will ever change this animal I have become._

At first when I entered this place, I didn't really feel like helping myself, the only reason that I participated was to go home as fast as I could and so that Ben would no longer be disappointed in me. I didn't want to get better; I had to for my sake and for the sake of my friends. Now that I've been here for near four months and now I really feel like I'm doing this for myself, no more do I feel like crap, well most days. I can still be Johnny rain cloud sometimes, but most of the time I feel like I did back when we first found the treasure.

When I first came here I was able to work the Riley charm on the nurses, but now I'm afraid the charm has worn off and for some unimaginable reason they find me to be obnoxious. Ben, Abby and I thought it was great I was getting back to normal, but apparently the staff did not feel the same way, it might be because I ask when I can go home and when its time to eat every five minutes. One small victory is that it is no longer I running from the room every time I lock eyes with any of the nursing staff. And I now believe that I will be going home _very_ soon.

_Help me believe its not the real me. Somebody help me tame this animal I have become._

The doctors say I can finally go home, and I've never been more excited. I watch as Dr. Salagio, the head doctor here, tells Ben and Abigail that I'm free to go, and I over hear several nurses mumbling to each other that its about time. Ben and Abby's faces light up when they hear the news, I catch Abigail's eye and she runs over to hug me. As Abigail moves aside to let Ben at me, the doctor tells us that I have to stay just one more week to make sure that everything is fine, and that I will still have to regularly see Dr. Morris.

The last week spent in this depressing building seems to drag on forever; I don't think I've ever been this happy about it being Thursday. I was lead out to the entranceway to find Ben signing me discharge papers; I smile at him, feeling like a little kid being picked up early from school. As we exit the building, I look around at the people I have spent nearly half a year with, and none of them really seem too sad to see me go. I almost skip out to the car, but I'm able to hold myself back. Sadly, I was not able to hold back my manly shriek of delight as I found a bag of Chinese food sitting in the car.

I jump out of the car before it evens stop as we reach home, man it feels good to say that word. When we enter the house I see balloons and a 'Welcome Home Riley' banner hanging above the stairs. Abigail walks out holding a cake and I can't help but laugh at the sight. This all seems surreal, as if any minute I'll wake up and find myself back in the clinic bed surrounded by itchy white sheets. I don't know what to say, so I let my mouth run free without my brain's help.

"This is totally like in Super Mario where Mario helps free Princess Peach from Bowser and in thanks she bakes him a cake. After all that hard work, all those close calls with death, all he gets in return is a cake!" The two of us begin to argue back and forth, and it feels good; it feels just like old times. I know its been a long hard year, and that nothing will ever be like it was, but I'm looking forward to living with Ben and Abigail. Life's been crappy, but at least I know I have good friends to help me, even if said friends did only let us keep 1 percent of the world's greatest treasure.

_Help me believe its not the real me. Somebody help me tame this animal._

One year. It has been one year since I left the clinic a somewhat sane and healthy guy. One year since I moved in with my two best friends. One year since I almost threw my life away and went down an endless road. If someone told me I could go through so much emotion in one year I would have laughed in their face and told them it wasn't possible, that the person would explode. Now I know better, now I know how low people can get. I also know that friends are worth keeping. Now I have a family, an awesome house, and Ben has just told me about a new treasure; this time I get to pick the finder's fee. Life is not now, nor will it ever be, like it was, but I think the future looks doable.

* * *

Gahh, crappy ending I know, sorry. Besides that I'm pretty happy with the story, thanks for reading, and once again I apologize for how long it took to get this chapter up. 

Reviews are Love


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